By dan

After American Government Officials announced that $1 trillion dollars worth of minerals were discovered in Afghanistan, General Patraeus proudly announced that the war in Afghanistan will not only break even, but will make a modest profit. Whilst rubbing his thumb back and forth over his middle and index finger Patraeus said “I don’t want to say I told you so, but ca-ching ca-ching”

Patraeus made the announcement at the Wired Disruptive By Design Conference in New York. “It’s the new Economy. You gotta spend money to make money. It’s all about perspective, we don’t see our fallen soldiers as “Killed In Action”, we see them as “Loss Leaders””

While seeing potential in the report’s outcome Defence Secretary Robert Gates, was a little more pragmatic comparing the war to an internet start-up “first we burn through a whole pile of cash, push  our young graduate workforce to death, build up an invested userbase, ride that long tail, and now that we’ve got a business model we hope that Google will buy us out.. Facebook have been in touch but we have problems with their privacy policy”

It’s not just American’s who are buoyed by the latest report, local Afghani’s too are seeing the positives “This has come at a good time for me.. I’ve been getting a little bored with our war.”said Afghani president Harmid Kazai “I’m just so glad I got in on the ground floor, I can’t wait to cash in my options and become an Angel investor… Somalia, Iran, Detroit.. that’s where the smart money’s heading”.

For Patraeus mining the country will also serve a dual purpose. “One of the main problems in finding Osama Bin Laden has been that he’s just so good at hiding in those mountain ranges… remove the mountains, remove Osama… easy.”

About dan


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  • Steve
    12:10 PM - 14 June, 2010

    Ha ha… they are going to rape that place

  • brendan
    4:04 PM - 14 June, 2010

    Dan – did you write this? Are you trying to get a job @ the onion?

  • dan
    5:12 PM - 14 June, 2010

    Yes.. and yes…

  • Kirby.py
    6:26 PM - 14 June, 2010

    lmao I guess next we will have an entire military campaign sponsored by BP, Woolies, or someone.

    Oh I got it! The War on north Korea sponsored by Google ! 😀
    not one will you be able to find all the information of the war in under 2 seconds; but you will also be able to see it from street level via the new ‘War Street Cam’.

    PS if that happens I want royalties!
    bring back Hungry Beast

  • declan
    8:39 PM - 14 June, 2010

    Great stuff, Dan

  • Kirby.py
    9:00 PM - 14 June, 2010

    And coming soon, ‘The Somalians’ A new hit reality Tv show that shows the day to day conflicts that happen in their day to day life. This week Jasmine goes to the market when a local gang member tries to by the same cup of rice as her. tune in to see the colourful antics.
    sponsored by Channel 10, then rehashed 5 years later when channel 9 buys the rights and shows rerun after rerun after rerun… See I am a marketing genius, wants royalties!

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